COVID-19, Grief, and Dying
With the spread of COVID-19 and efforts to flatten the curve, we have seen many businesses close down and events get canceled as experts recommend social distancing as much as possible. Some of the things that have been canceled include concerts, conferences, parties, weddings, vacations, and every day things like school and dinner out with friends. Naturally these cancellations are causing a range of emotions in people and one emotion we’re seeing a lot is grief. Of course, there is grief in losing a job and benefits that the job provided but there is also grief in not being able to do something you had hoped and planned for, grief in not knowing when you’ll be able to reschedule that event for, grief in not knowing when you can see loved ones in person, grief in changes to our lives, and grief in the unknown.
We all understand grief due to losing a job, but some people struggle to understand why, in the wake of a worldwide pandemic, people are concerned about their weddings or vacations. While the reasons and underlying cause vary for each person, for most people the fear of uncertainty and lack of normalcy plays a part in this grief. Personally, I had a trip planned to Seattle at the end of April for a conference and an appointment, both of which I had been looking forward to for a while. When these both got canceled I was upset for many reasons including not being able to go to something I had planned and budgeted for, uncertainty if it would be rescheduled and for when (and if I would be able to go then), and fear over how serious this illness was becoming.
Regardless of the reason for it, all of the grief being felt right now is valid. For those of you grieving something, let yourself feel it and work through it in your own time. If a loved one is grieving right now, support them by validating how they’re feeling, even if you don’t fully understand it. We should always strive to support and validate even if we don’t understand the person’s grief, but this is so important in our current circumstances where we may be isolated physically- we don’t want to become isolated emotionally as well.
Unfortunately, this pandemic is also directly impacting how people mourn and honor their deceased loved ones as well as how we console each other during difficult times. Social distancing recommendations have included keeping groups to 10 people or less and as a result, funeral directors have been urged to postpone funerals, cancel memorial services (or move them to a later date), and limit the number of attendees. The CDC has also cautioned against touching the body of someone who has died from COVID-19, although at this time “there is currently no known risk in transporting, handling, embalming, or visiting the body of a person who has died from COVID-19” (Simon, 2020). This means that, more than likely, anyone who loses a loved one during this time will experience changes in their bereavement customs. Those who want (for personal, cultural, or religious reasons) a home funeral, to wash the body of the deceased, to sit with the body for a period of time, etc. may not be able to do those things. Not only is this a disruption to our customs and how we personally process the loss, but it may compound the loss by causing us to feel as if we failed the deceased if we cannot follow their wishes for their funeral and memorial. In addition to all of that, our grief and isolation may be compounded by the fact that we are limiting physical touch in order to limit the spread of COVID-19; so when we may expect and long for a hug or even a handshake to help during difficult times, we may not be able to have that physical comfort.
So what can we do in a situation that seems so bleak and when we have so many restrictions to keep ourselves and others safe and healthy? One thing we can all do is continue to validate and support your loved ones. As I said before, you may not understand what someone is going through or why they’re experiencing the emotions that they are but you can still be there for them. Another thing is to stay in touch with each other, especially if someone has experienced a loss during this time. We may not be able to sit together, hug each other, cry together, or bring each other food but we can still be there for each other; we can call, text, email, Facetime, send care packages, order food for delivery to their house, send flowers, etc. For those facing loss during this time, there may be comfort in doing a legacy project for your loved one or planning a memorial service for the future.
References
Simon, S. (2020). Funeral directors in Pennsylvania brace for grief as COVID-19 limits services, viewings. Retrieved March 18, 2020, from https://www.post-gazette.com/news/state/2020/03/18/covid-19-pa-funeral-homes-postpone-public-viewings-limit-services-10-people/stories/202003180115