Anticipatory Grief
The love of my life is a 12 pound Chihuahua named Scooby. I didn’t think I’d ever love a Chihuahua, but as soon as I met him I knew he was coming home with me (in fact I adopted him that day between my English final and math final). Two or three years ago he began having what I call episodes; at first, it was just a weird but funny situation that seemed to occur when he got anxious but gradually became more frequent and more severe. The workup with imaging and blood work with his regular vet didn’t show anything and she recommended that I take him to a neurologist. Of course, as silly as it seems, I took him (because he’s the love of my life and that’s what you do for true love); two years later, he’s being treated for a presumed atypical seizure disorder.
Why am I telling you about my Chihuahua’s weird medical history? Believe it or not, it relates to grief. Before we jump in to how it relates to grief, I know some of you are thinking that this is ridiculous because he’s “just” a dog. However, this article is not just about Scooby; while his story helps to illustrate the concepts I’m going to discuss, this post is first and foremost about grief. But, for many people their pets are part of the family and the grief they feel over these pets can be just as a strong as grief felt over humans. When grief is not validated it can lead to disenfranchised grief, which I’m going to discuss further in an upcoming post. So for now, bear with me and understand that we don’t have to understand someone’s feelings for them to be valid.
Between October 2017- June 2018 Scooby was hospitalized twice. The second time, in May 2018, it was really bad. The night I took him to the emergency vet clinic he was vomiting and having seizures, so after he was taken back I couldn’t say bye to him; I stopped to eat on the way home and spent the whole time trying not to breakdown in the restaurant. I saw him every day during the hospital’s visiting hours; after a week I finally got to take him home, but when his neurologist called me to tell me he also told me Scooby was blind since waking up from anesthesia and he didn’t know when, or if, his vision would return. When they brought him out to me he wasn’t himself and his healing in the weeks after was slow. So slow, in fact, that when he was due for his annual vet exam a few weeks later I had to talk about if euthanizing him was the most compassionate option.
During the time that he was in the hospital and the weeks after (probably really months after), I went through anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief is when an individual experiences grief before the loss occurs, typically with the goal of loosening attachments to make the loss less painful when it does occur (Leming & Dickinson, 2016, p. 192). This grief occurs when there is knowledge of an impending loss; while it is typically discussed in relation to death it can occur with other losses (loss of a relationship, loss of a job, loss of health, etc.). According to Fulton and Fulton, there are four aspects of anticipatory grief: depression, heightened concern, rehearsal of the loss, and trying to adjust to the consequences of the loss (Freeman, 2004, p. 59).
This type of grief is not inherently good or bad. For some people, it allows more time to come to terms with the loss; they are able to accept that it is going to happen and enjoy the remaining time they have. For others, anticipatory grief can impede acceptance which can result in prolonged grief (Davis, Deane, Lyons, & Barclay, 2017). Another potential negative consequence of anticipatory grief is when the person has worked through their grief and detaches from the individual before the loss occurs. A more severe version of this phenomenon is known as Lazarus Syndrome; this occurs when the bereaved has worked through grief and become detached, but the person that was ill recovers or goes into remission. In this case, because grief has already been experienced, those that have gone through the grieving process may not be able to reinvest in the relationship and/or they may have feelings such as anger or resentment (Freeman, 2004, p. 60).
While anticipatory grief is unique in that it occurs before a loss, it is otherwise similar to other types of grief. The feelings should be acknowledged and validated, which can be difficult (especially if the loss is death, as we live in a very death phobic society). The main thing to remember with grief is that it’s okay; your feelings are valid and you should be able to express them. This also means that if you aren’t feeling something, for example, if you aren’t crying, that is okay; everyone experiences grief differently and more often than not it isn’t experienced in the way media portrays it.
References
Davis, E. L., Deane, F. P., Lyons, G. C., & Barclay, G. D. (2017). Is Higher Acceptance Associated With Less Anticipatory Grief Among Patients in Palliative Care? Journal of Pain and Symptom Management, 54(1), 120-125. http://dx.doi.org/https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpainsymman.2017.03.012
Freeman, S. J. (2004). Grief and Loss: Understanding the Journey (1st ed.). []. Retrieved from http://www.gcumedia.com/digital-resources/cengage/2005/grief-and-loss_understanding-the-journey_ebook_1e.php
Leming, M. R., & Dickinson, G. E. (2016). Understanding Death, Dying, and Bereavement (8 ed.). : Cengage Learning.